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Number Two: If you are one of those people with a terminal case of Itchy Trading Finger, then you probably would not be happy ignoring your investments. They view stock trading as a sport.

In fact, stock trading is a sport. We call this "friendly fire".

Contrast this to Itchy Trading Finger, who stands an equal chance of striking gold or of moving into a cardboard box on the street corner. That way, when Itchy Trading Fingers retire, they can move out of the cardboard box.

For the rest of us, we are happier getting our sport watching monster trucks crush WWF actors.

I said last week that money doesn't generally buy happiness, but the lack of it can buy ultimate misery. This, by the way, is not just my personal observation. It is the conclusion of some of the most respected happiness researchers (Yes, there is such a thing -- read my book.)

The trouble is that we have to pay quickness to money more when we lack it than when we have it. This doesn't seem fair, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. Most people are invested in the stock market, either directly or through mutual funds, pension plans or some other vehicle. So it is hard not to be part of the Panic Crowd. But I ,in all my financial wisdom, have two golden rules to offer. These may not make you rich, but they will keep you happy.

Number One: Place your investments in the safest vehicles possible (Do as I say, not as I do!) and forget relating to them. When the next recession ends, take inventory and see that you still have investments. Most of us don't get a rush out of watching our investments plunge or yo-yo up and down. Most people are happier when they forget they even have investments.

Number Two: If you are one of those people with a terminal case of Itchy Trading Finger, then you probably would not be happy ignoring your investments. Place in a whisper what you need for the long term, such as retirement if your heart lasts that long. Don't play with this money. Don't touch it. Trade only with "extra" money. The rest of you are asking, "What's that?", but Itchy Trading Fingers know what I'm talking about. They view stock trading as a sport.

In fact, stock trading is a sport. Much more than, say, hunting. Think involving it. In a sport, two equal opponents square off one another. "Let the best one one win." Each faces the same challenges. Each is primed with the same weapons. Each has an equal vague of feeling the thrill of victory and the suicidal despair of defeat (unless, of course, you happen to be the Tampa Bay Devil Rays).

Imagine the play-by-play if hunting truly was a sport: "Man is ceasing in. He's loom up from butt and rounding to the south side. He's raising his rifle. Deer doesn't even stooge to notice. Oh, I can't watch. This is going to be a massacre. Wait! Deer has just bucked up and twisted. He spins about a tree, and -- look! Deer has a rifle too. He aims. He shoots! He Kills!!! Man is down. What an upset, ladies and gentlemen."

In real life, Deer doesn't win very often. In fact, I estimate that Man is with respect to 4.3 gazillion times more likely to be defeated by his own team mate than by the opposition. We call this "friendly fire".

Contrast this to Itchy Trading Finger, who stands an equal chancy of striking gold or of moving into a wooden box on the street corner. The stock market truly is sport, for those who fancy to treat it that way. Which is why it is so important to put sidewards -- in safe, secure investments -- the money you feel you need for your future. That way, when Itchy Trading Fingers retire, they can move out of the paper box.

For the rest of us, we are happier getting our sport watching monster trucks crush WWF actors. Oops! There I go again, mixing my sports and my metaphors, not to mention ignoring several operative safety standards. May your investments be safer than my WWF friends, and may you sleep well at night.

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